Well, That's One Way

There he is. The man you daydream about. It probably surprised you to see him there, just as handsome as ever. You never expect it. You’ll fluff up your hair or straighten your shirt. Look your best. Hope he doesn’t notice your stolen glances. Why don’t you do something about it?

Here, try this.

Pull out a pen and paper. Jot down your number. Old school. Romantic. Flirtatious.

Wait until he’s about to cross the room. Then make your move. You’re a panther.

Slip the note into his hand. Make sure it’s really in there. Unless he had some motor skill problems when he was young and this childhood setback has granted you an ill fate, he’ll automatically try to grasp the new object. Even if you must grab the back of his hand with your other, cradling his masculine fingers inside your two mischievous palms, don’t let him dislodge that note.

Good, now swing around him as if you don’t have the time to chat – you’ve got somewhere so much more important to be. And here’s the key: make eye contact. Choose a face: winky, flirty eyes, smirky fun-in-the-sun, goofy tongue clicks complimented by gun fingers. It won’t matter which, but definitely make a face. And make eye contact. Wave at him, get his attention, make sure he’s watching you.

Then let it happen. Let your ankles wrap around each other, step on your shoes, ,give yourself a flat tire. Make it believable that you’re actually tripping. Then FALL.

Land on your butt. Make it look real. Be dramatic, flail a little. Give out a cute scream. Unless you’re falling on a bed of HIV ridden needles, there should be no blood curdling coming from you. Give him an “oopsie-daisy” or a “Whoops” or a “whoooa!” Decide ahead of time if you’re the cutesy faller or the cool, slick faller. Put your personality in it. Either way, FALL. Put that butt on the ground.

And tip from the well-trained: don’t land on anyone else! Things get messy. The wrong man will fall in love with you. Your plan will be ruined. You can only do this once.

So, you’re on the ground. What now? LAUGH. You’re supposed to be mortified. If this were really to happen to you, a real accident, you would probably clam up, run away, find a bathroom stall in which to cry and hyperventilate. So laugh. Prove that you’re able to laugh things off; it’s a highly attractive quality. Remember, you did this on purpose, so play it cool and laugh it off.

Don’t spend too much time rolling around on the floor in your joyous fits of laughter though. Flip over quickly. Find his eyes. Make eye contact. Hope that you find him rushing to your aid. Send out every Maiden-in-Distress signal that women have perfected for the last thousand years. Reach out that hand for help.

And when he helps you rise, continue to laugh. Don’t give him a line, just say “thank you” and bat those long eyelashes that your mama gave you…or the corner drug store, you faker you…either way, BAT THOSE LASHES. Better yet, apologize for falling. He’ll feel like he’s completely in charge.

Then talk. Use your conversation skills, you have those right? Ask him why he’s in town, make a joke about “clumsy you” and how you tried to be smooth, tell him you’d really like to see him some time. Make a date. Grab a coffee. A smoothie. A burger. Or just tell him to call you, point at the note he’s still inevitably holding, and run away.

Be ready to deflect. There will be staring. Judging glances. He may not help you up. He may just stand there and laugh at you. You may end up mumbling something about needing new shoes while you wet yourself. You might learn that he’s a total jerk and not worth it. This is a high risk operation. Lots of moving parts. But it could be high reward.

Give that a try.

Or don’t.